confessions of a bibliophile

I am such a bibliophile. (No, this does not mean I have sex with books, you pervert.) Two friends of mine and I have decided to start a book club, and our first book (informally) was "Snow Crash" by Neal Stephenson. Needless to say... I finished it in about a week. In fact, I think I finished it before Paul even bought it. >_<

The three of us have also been talking about possibly reading "Lolita" ... I went and bought it ... And "The Time Traveler's Wife" ... And "Pride and Prejudice"...

Well, at least it's a healthy addiction, right? I'll be stimulating my brain cells instead of killing them off. ... At least that's what I'm going to be telling myself as my library continues to grow past the capacity of my bookshelves. >_<

going to the chapel and... wait, what?

I've noticed that sometimes in life, certain events can evoke unexpected thoughts or emotions, even when those events aren't necessarily about you.

My best friend is getting married in just over a week, and I'm a bridesmaid. So then why did I just have a dream about my own wedding? My boyfriend and I have no certain plans of taking this step, and while I've always longed to have a beautiful wedding, it's not something that's going to happen anytime soon.

So then wtf? I think it was partly Emily's wedding and partly because I watched a couple episodes of Scrubs that had to do with Elliott organizing her upcoming wedding.

I think it's funny, too, that in my dream, things kept going wrong.

- I got a parking ticket for parking someplace that wasn't marked (Lame!)
- The dressing room was in the extreme back of someplace that couldn't decide whether it was a theater or a department store, and the back area walls were completely draped in black fabric
- I forgot my jewelry but my mom saved the day and brought it from home without me having to ask (Yay, Mom!)
- She also brought my stepdad (Bad move, Mom...)
- My best friend (Emily) and her sister (Emma) were helping me dress up and were in charge of what seemed like half a dozen bridesmaids
- Matt accidentally came in for something and the girls threw a black bed sheet over me so he couldn't see me (it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the ceremony, if you didn't know)
- I got in a fight with some bitch outside the dressing room, kicked her ass, got coffee or soda on my shoes, someone cleaned them off
- I kept frantically running in and out of the dressing room and outside because I'd forgotten something or needed to get something
- My dress had a corset type bodice with a poufy (pick-up) skirt (Pretty! Sorta looked like this one: David's Bridal Style T9104)

The dream never actually got past the dressing up part because I had to wake up. :( I wonder how the ceremony turned out...

r0x0rz my s0x0rz

My good friend (and fellow blogger) Cristina (becauseiamusemyself.blogspot.com) took me to the No Doubt/Paramore concert at Sleep Train Amphitheater this past Friday night. I haven't been to many concerts, but each of them were an incredible experience. This one was no exception.

In spite of a 45-minute drive turning into a 2-hour drive, mile-long bathroom lines, and missing Paramore on stage, I had a fantastic time! No Doubt was absolutely amazing.

Below are some snippets and photos from the SacBee website:

---

There was No Doubt about the party at Sleep Train Amphitheater

"On the road after a five-year hiatus but without any new songs to push, No Doubt wowed a packed Sleep Train Amphitheater Friday night with a straightforward greatest-hits set.

Opening with the jaunty, jagged "Spiderwebs" from its 1995 mega-seller "Tragic Kingdom," No Doubt set a tone of good-time familiarity that kept a rare sellout crowd at the 18,500-capacity Wheatland venue permanently on its feet.

Front woman Gwen Stefani continually stoked the audience, separating out male audience members to sing about how they were "just a girl" only to playfully mock the inevitably silly result."





Other highlights:
- Cristina accidentally taking a snapshot of my ta-ta's as I stuck my upper body out of her sunroof to check out traffic.
- Being able to hear Paramore as we drove up and around the amphitheater to park.
- Almost getting a contact high from all the folks smoking weed on the Lawn.
- Awesome light shows.
- Yummy garlic fries.
- Singing 90's songs on the long drive home. <3

does this habit have a name?

I have a tendency to associate certain songs with certain people I know - either because I heard the song while we were together, or because the lyrics fit them perfectly. I have no idea if this is a normal thing (do you do this?) but I can't really help it.

Here's a few examples:

- An old boyfriend - "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" by Nine Days because we heard it on the radio every single time we were in his truck.
- My best friend - "My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow because the Ouija Board decided that song described her life when we were like 14.
- A deceased friend - "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan because he was a lonely and misunderstood person who died too soon.
- My friend in Malaysia - "She's So High" by Tal Bachman because I met him online after watching his Final Fantasy 9 mash-up music video to the song.
- An old co-worker and friend - "Paint it Black" by The Rolling Stones because we worked at Home Depot together, myself in the paint department. He made this my personal ringtone on his cell.

I'm eagerly awaiting the people in my life who will be assigned to the following songs:

- "Barbie Girl" by Aqua
- "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney
- "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga
- "Rockin' the Beer Gut" by Trailor Choir
And especially:
- "White and Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic

These will certainly be some interesting people to know.

it's the little things...

It's the little things that keep me sane at work.

Doctors named Jay Vajay. (If you need help figuring this one out, I feel bad for you.)
Finding out that the Transmittal Confirmation Reports that the fax machine spits out are already in order and I don't have to sort them myself.
Finding ways to sneak onto blocked websites.
Receiving funny emails about people who are dumber than me.
... Which is similar to receiving emails by the idiots who accidentally hit the "Reply All" button.
Slacking off to the extreme, and actually getting away with it.
Trying to pronounce some of the clients' names that come across my desk.
Resigning myself to working on my birthday, then discovering that somebody left a tiny army of paper kodama on my desk.

melancholy musings

Every so often I start to feel like I'm simply bumbling through my life, succeeding or failing at things simply by chance, lucky enough to have some wonderful people and experiences, and selfish or idiotic enough to have messed up a number of things I shouldn't have.

I just turned twenty-five. I guess I always used to think that at this point in my life, I would have a college degree, a house of my own, a husband or fiancee, and the possibility of a family in the near future. What an idyllic life that would be.

Unfortunately, like most teenagers (and twenty-somethings, too), I botched it. Not permanently, as I have the opportunity to pick some things up where they were left, but enough to throw my dream out of alignment.

I wish I had gone to college full-time immediately after high school, and stuck with it for at least the customary four years. Sure, experience is always good when looking for a job, and you don't get that at college - but I would have had such a good springboard into the rest of my life. I wouldn't have jumped back and forth between mediocre retail jobs for years, making a mediocre income. I can't help but feel that if I had received a degree earlier on, I'd be living the life I wish I had. I've decided to quit my "secure" (ha-ha) government job to go back to school full-time to finally achieve that goal, and for that I am proud of myself. But I can't help wishing I'd done it when the time was right.

I wish I had made better choices. After getting out of high school, I made a lot of bad decisions and hung out with some questionable people. Sure, some of those people were fun, but they weren't exactly the type to inspire me to great things. I did make the hard choice to stop living the life I was, but I will live with the memory of those years for the rest of my life.

I wish I had treated myself better, physically and emotionally. If I had - and if I had really believed in myself enough - I'd be in a much better place in my own head, heart, and body. If I could honestly make myself believe that I am a beautiful, loveable, wonderful person, I wouldn't have such a laundry list of awful relationships, huge mistakes, and self-esteem issues, and I would already be the person I dream of becoming. All I can do now is try my best to be that person in spite of all my problems.

I wish I had been better at keeping my friendships strong. I have a bad tendency to let wonderful people slip through my fingers for various reasons, and so I've lost touch or lost that connection with some of the people who are important to me. It's truly heartbreaking when you find out, too, that you'd been replaced, years ago, and you never even knew it. Sometimes you can try to rekindle that friendship, but for many of these people, once you come clean with your own failures in the relationship, they decide that they don't want to talk to you anymore. That hurts too, but after all, you dropped the ball first.

I wish I had been absolutely truthful, every moment of every day of my life. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts, and sometimes it will drive people away - but isn't that so much better of a reason than the fact that they found out about what you were hiding, and that you lied to them about it? Lying isn't fair to anybody, and it only hurts everyone involved unnecessarily. Some people will forgive you. Some won't.

What I wouldn't give to be able to go back and do it all over. I'd have figured out what I was passionate about and earned a degree in that field. I'd have dumped that selfish idiot and saved myself a lot of heartache. I'd be a healthier, saner, stronger person. I'd have shown those wonderful people exactly how much they meant to me.

Well, if wishes were fishes, I'd be eating sushi at every meal. (Wouldn't that be nice.)

All I can do now is put my whole heart into loving the wonderful people I have in my life, achieving the things I've always wanted to, and striving to be the person I've always wanted to be.

I'm trying. I hope it's enough.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Sometimes I wonder if Chuck Norris actually appreciates all the one-liners.
Although I guess if he didn't, we'd all be dead already.

keeping secrets

I don't really like Facebook apps. For the most part, I only have about 3 that I like and use. However, I recently added a little app called Honesty Box, where your friends can send you completely anonymous messages to tell you what they REALLY think. Sure, most of the people that use it are probably dying to find out if someone has a crush on them, but I bet every once in a while someone receives a gem.

I got one. My very first anonymous message read thus:

"You once asked me to keep a secret for you. I was very uncomfortable doing so, but I hope it shows you how much you mean to me that I did.
Please don't ever ask me to do something like that again."

Wow. Talk about painful but well-deserved honesty. I had no idea who sent it, but I realized that one of my friends cared about me so much that they would do something like that for me. I felt ashamed and strangely grateful at the same time.

For some reason, this morning, I was thinking about it again, and suddenly received a fierce slap to the face (and a kick to the heart):

I HAD NO IDEA WHO SENT IT.

That meant that I have asked so many of my closest friends to do this terrible thing for me that I had no way of narrowing down who had sent the message. I've gambled my precious friendships just so I could get away with something I probably shouldn't have been doing in the first place, just so I didn't have to face the music and own up to my own mistakes.

Wow. What a way to live my life - running away from the things I didn't want to face, and asking my friends, the people who I care about most in the world, to cover up for me at the expense of their own self-worth. What a horrible thing for me to do.

To the person who sent this anonymous message to me... and also to my other friends who have experienced the same thing:

I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking, but that's no excuse. I should never have asked you to do that for me. I hope you can forgive me.

Thank you. Thank you for bringing this fault of mine to light. Thank you for sticking by me even though I asked you to do something like that.

All I can do now is be conscious of this tendency and refuse to repeat it ever again... and hopefully my good friends will help me keep to the straight and narrow with their honesty.

whoopsie-daisy!

This blog is all about self-discovery, right? ("Duh, it's the subtitle of your blog!" you say.) Well, sure. So I started blogging in hopes of discovering more about myself. And I did.

I discovered that I was influencing myself and the posts I was writing. I was enjoying reading my favorite "happiness blogs" so much that I started trying to write similar stuff. That was a mistake. I am not meant to be a big-time blogger. I don't have the dedication for it (translation: I'm too lazy.) So after trying to write posts that are amazingly insightful, I lost my inspiration and my drive to write at all. I mean, come on, it's been almost two months since my last post! Ouch!

I've decided that I don't care about developing a fan base. Sure, I'd *love* it if lots of people read my blog, but I'm not going to do something that I don't find enjoyable to get fans. So from now on, the stuff that I post on this blog is going to be mostly for me, and for those few friends who actually want to read what I write. (And a big thanks to those folks for supporting me!)

Sorry if you've had high hopes for my little corner of the blogosphere (for a little while there, I did too.) But I hope you'll stick around anyway. You might not be inspired, but hopefully you'll at least be amused. :)

sunshine and smiles

Dappled sunlight, cherry blossoms, good music, vibrant colors, god I wish I had a camera, "bring me men to match my mountains"¹, skyscraper glitter², beautiful people, that bookstore smell, warm air, architecture, smiling at strangers, cold water, and the most wonderful lunch-hour walk I've ever had.

cooking bonanza

Our kitchen was controlled chaos last night.

We discovered that the refrigerator was no longer cooling our food - odd, because the lights inside were working, so the electricity was obviously still functioning. I think it might have had something to do with the cooling unit at the back. *shrug*

Anyway, yesterday when we got home, we found the kitchen floor practically flooded with melted ice (and ice cream) so we quickly pulled everything out of the freezer to assess the situation. Luckily, the meat was still halfway frozen, so we set about cooking everything. And when I say everything, I mean 30 chicken thighs, 8 chicken breasts, 5 Italian sausages, 3 pounds of ground pork, 2 pork tenderloins, 2 dishes of meatballs, 1 slab of beef, and a whole chicken. Whew! It was quite an undertaking. It took us roughly 4 hours to get everything out of the freezer, cooked, and stored temporarily in ice-filled coolers till our new fridge arrives.

It was fun, though! Boyfriend and I used the opportunity to come up with new sauces, get creative with the food we already had, and help out the family in a meaningful way (and at a time when it was definitely needed!) We kept positive about it the whole time, and I'm proud of both of us for that.

I took a stressful situation and turned it around into a fun and upbeat experience! Go me! :D

i want to be...

I want to be:

Healthy Successful Dedicated Inspiring Uplifting Grateful

Free Authentic Fearless Creative Ambitious Compassionate

Loving Charming Enlightened Capable Passionate Balanced

I want to be the person that, deep down, I've always known I'm capable of becoming.

what a mess!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about cleanliness, and the different ways it affects us psychologically. I've often heard it said that a cluttered space is a cluttered mind, and vice versa. In the back of my mind, I always kind of knew it was true, but it was just one of those things that I never consciously took the time to examine -- mostly, I think, from shame at my own tendency to make huge messes.

All of this stems from my pack-rat mentality: "I might need it someday" and "This is too good to get rid of" have combined to create a cluttered home, and a storage unit full of who-knows-what. I am ashamed to let people see my chaotic space, and often complain about the mess to Boyfriend, but deep down I have to admit to myself that it's all mine.

The same is true for my mind -- I have a terrible memory, and it seems to only be getting worse. Figuratively, my mind is just as cluttered as my living space. There's old memories crowding out new ones, song lyrics overwriting the things I learned in school, and names? Not a chance.

In April I came across an article at Oprah.com called When and How to Say "Enough!" by Martha Beck. It outlines the "just-in-case" mentality, wherein someone lives with the assumption that "everything good is scarce" and attempts to gather around themselves much more than what they need. This mindset can result in overeating, overspending, and damaged relationships. By contrast, a person with the "just-in-time" mentality knows that "everything good is readily available" (and of course we're talking about those who live in places where basic necessities are plentiful). They don't overeat, clutter, overspend, and have healthier relationships.


Beck's article really got my wheels turning about the disarray that I choose to keep around me. I keep the strangest things because "I might need it someday." Do I really need that plush Invader Zim keychain that's been gathering dust for three years? Or the fairy statuette with the broken wing that I never got around to fixing? What about the old VHS tapes that I haven't watched in years?

Trent over at The Simple Dollar and Leo from Zen Habits, two of my favorite big-time blogs, both believe that clutter costs not only space, but time, money, and energy, all of which could be put to much better use. I wholeheartedly agree. It's a vicious circle; You have a lot of stuff, you spend more money on a bigger house to store it all. You get more stuff, you need an even bigger house. If you need to clean, then the more stuff you have, the longer it will take you, and the more daunting the task becomes. And even on the most basic level, your mind uses more energy to mentally sort through all of your belongings. Who needs that kind of life-draining environment?!

Not me! I've decided that I'm through with my pack-rat ways! It's going to take some time, but I'm going to sort through everything I own and only keep those things which I am one-hundred-percent sure that I'll need in the future. Already, my Mom and I went through a bunch of boxes in my bedroom and sorted them into "Keep", "Throw Away", "Donate", and "Sell" (because yeah I'd like to get some pocket money for the crap stuff I don't need!) Already my space looks clean(er), and I feel much more cheerful when I enter the room. And it's inspiring! I want to tackle all the rest of my stuff and feel even more uplifted!

What remains to be seen is what long-term effects I'll gain once my task is finished (and hopefully maintained!) Will my memory improve? Will I feel lighter in spirit? Will I finally be able to achieve that simple, austere elegance that I dream about after looking through my Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn catalogs? *le-sigh* A girl can hope.

recap part two

So, my life has been a whirlwind of activity lately! Here's a brief glimpse at the things I've done since my last post:

- Organized a very successful Cinco de Mayo fundraiser
- Went to my very first Meetup and...
- ...Saw Star Trek with a bunch of geeks (yes, I cried)
- Went to an old friend's place for a really fun BBQ
- Walked 3 miles to benefit Breast Cancer with the Network of Strength
- Had a wonderful Mother's Day brunch with my extended family
- Organized my upcoming birthday party (June 20th people!)
- Cleaned out all the "I-don't-know-what-I'm-gonna-do-with-this-crap-stuff" boxes from my bedroom (thanks for the help, Mom!)

Thank goodness things will be slowing down from here on out. I do enjoy having things to do, but so much all at once does get rather tiring!

I know I don't have much of a following (yet!) but I apologize for these lame recap posts, and I promise they will be kept as much to a minimum as humanly possible. :)

playing catch-up

Whew! What a crazy-busy weekend-plus! (Well, in reality, Boyfriend and I have had something busy to do every weekend for darn near two months - that's a lot for us!) To avoid a lot of unnecessary details, I'll just recap with the most important thing from each day, and what I learned from it.

Thursday - Boyfriend and I were invited to see X-Men Origins: Wolverine on its opening night with some co-workers of mine. As big X-Men fans (and huge geeks) we were really excited about the movie, not to mention the fact that Boyfriend and Co-workers finally got to meet the person(s) I talk about so often!

Basically, the movie was pretty dang good, but not worth the hassle of seeing it at midnight opening night (in my opinion). Also, a movie theater is not a good place for introducing people, as it's difficult to hold conversations while sitting in a row. I suck at bringing people together sometimes.

Friday - I took the day off to go see a school counselor about a number of different things - classes, universities, majors, etc. I was pretty disappointed in the experience, as one of the first things I was told was that the counselor would not have enough time to go over everything I needed to talk about. If I wanted more info, I needed to come back another day. This was quite a letdown, and that partly had to do with my last experience with a school counselor - Barbara was inspiring. She fired me up and got me really, truly excited about going back to school. I had been hoping that Friday's experience would be positive, if not just as thrilling, however I guess my expectations were a bit too high. Now, I'm not saying that the gentleman I saw Friday wasn't doing all he could - I'm sure he was. He most likely had some restrictions placed on him that I didn't know about and couldn't avoid.

Counselors can be a huge help and a huge inspiration - but I should also be prepared to tackle things myself if and when the need arises.

Saturday - Boyfriend and I spent the whole weekend at my best friend's house! We enjoyed a number of activities - walked two malls, ate at a traditional sushi restaurant, went to see Dov Davidoff (who reminds me of a younger, skinnier Vin Diesel) do some stand-up comedy.

Even though my best friend and I have known each other since 2nd grade (18 years, WOW!), and whenever we get together, it's like no time has passed... it's not like that for the people we bring together. Things can get awkward or uncomfortable because there's no long history there. And I need to find a way to work around those moments.

Sunday - For some strange reason, after we got home on Sunday, I started feeling incredibly stressed out and overwhelmed. It was probably just a combination of my mind turning to work-related matters, being nervous about school, putting honest effort into my relationship, my lacking self-esteem, and the stress of living with my parents again. All of a sudden, I started crying. It was one of those weird cries where there's not one thing specifically that's upsetting you, and so it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, but you just can't stop. (Ladies, you know what I'm talking about!) You just have to let it run its course.

Luckily, Boyfriend was incredibly comforting to me. At first, I thought I'd have to really explain that it was nothing big, and that I didn't need anything but to just be held... but I didn't have to. It only took a few very simple words, and there it was - just what I needed. It felt wonderful.

Monday - A few things today, really. First off, my laptop has arrived! It's waiting for me at home, and I totally can't wait to get off work so I can go play with it. I'll post pictures as soon as I can.
I also received an $800 check from my mutual fund account, which is going directly into my College savings account - I'm up to about $4,500! I really hope I can get past $6k by the time I quit my job.
I got a direct link in a "thank you" post at Positively Present! My heart literally skipped a beat to see the title of my little blog on a website that I personally find so inspiring! Woo-hoo! Thanks, PP - you're wonderful. <3

I've got a lot of things coming up in my life - organizing a Cinco de Mayo fundraiser at work, seeing Star Trek and going to a friend's BBQ on Saturday, a breast cancer walk and family brunch on Mother's Day, my 25th birthday in June, planning for school, and of course all the little daily things! Whew! What a suddenly busy schedule!

But... (can you keep a secret?) ... I love it. Don't tell Boyfriend, though - he already thinks I've lost my mind! :)

my personality type - INTP

Recently one of my friends mentioned taking the Meyers-Briggs test on personality types. I've always been interested in psychology, and I thought it might be interesting to find out what my personality type is. I'm an Introverted Intuition Thinking Perceiving (INTP).

INTP - The "Engineer"

INTPs are logical, individualistic, reserved, and very curious individuals. They focus on ideas, theories and the explanation of how things work. They are especially adept at discussions and debate. They have the ability to focus intently on a subject. They appreciate and respect intelligence in others.

Apparently only 1% of the female population are INTPs... I feel special and obscurely segregated. (heh.) But lucky me - Albert Einstein was an INTP too!

The test I took was amazingly accurate - I was even able to use their descriptions of the different types to pin down my mom's personality before she even took the test herself. Check it out here: MyPersonality.info

Try it out! You might be surprised at the results, or even learn something new about yourself. :)

an excerpt and an inspiration

What frightens you?
What makes the hair on your arms rise, your palms sweat, the breath catch in your chest like a wild thing caged?
Is it the dark? A fleeting memory of a bedtime story, ghosts and goblins and witches hiding in the shadows? Is it the way the wind picks up just before a storm, the hint of wet in the air that makes you want to scurry home to the safety of your fire?
Or is it something deeper, something much more frightening, a monster deep inside that you've glimpsed only in pieces, the vast unknown of your own soul where secrets gather with a terrible power, the dark inside?
If you will listen, I will tell you a story -- one whose ghosts cannot be banished by the comfort of a roaring fire. I will tell you the story of how we found ourselves in a realm where dreams are formed, destiny is chosen, and magic is as real as your handprint in snow. I will tell you how we unlocked the Pandora's box of ourselves, tasted freedom, stained our souls with blood and choice, and unleashed a horror on the world that destroyed its dearest Order. These pages are a confession of all that has led to this cold, gray dawn. What will be now, I cannot say.
Is your heart beating faster?
Do the clouds seem to be gathering on the horizon?
Does the skin on your neck feel stretched tight, waiting for a kiss you both fear and need?
Will you be scared?
Will you know the truth?

Mary Dowd, April 7, 1871

(Excerpt from A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray)

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Today's favorite articles:

White Hot Truth -- What Would Love Do?
Serene Journey -- Life Sucks and Then You Choose
Raptitude -- How to Always Have Something Better to Talk About Than the Weather
Marc and Angel Hack Life -- What Money Can't Buy
Positively Present -- Solitary and Social: 10 Reasons to be Both

Grandma's birthday and being out in the sun

My Grandma is one of the nicest people in the world, and we celebrated her birthday at El Novillero last night. It was great - we had 14 people and a banquet room all to ourselves, the food was delicious, and my Aunt Carol baked a cake in the shape of a gigantic cupcake. :D All in all, a quality family get-together. Good times.

I also thank goodness for sunny weekends - Saturday and Sunday, Matt and I were able to run errands during the day in beautiful weather. We got my bicycle pedal fixed so I can finally attempt to face my fears (again) and teach myself how to ride. I bought a Mother's Day present for my wonderful Mom, we checked out rollerblades for Matt, and picked up some Boba tea (yummy!)

I'm in a calm and happy mood, and loving it. <3

"bring your child to work" day

Today's "Bring Your Child to Work" Day in my office! How wonderful! Hearing the little voices and seeing the big group of children on their tour really lifted my heart.

It made me think of this day last year. A year ago, I wasn't doing so great... Boyfriend and I were in the middle of a really difficult situation, I was having a terrible time in my new office, and I was generally in kind of a bad mood. When "Bring Your Child to Work" Day came around, it was an annoyance - the presence and noise of the kids were distracting and, I thought, inappropriate for the workplace. I turned on my iPod and tried my best to drown it all out.

Since then, I've come a long way - Boyfriend and I are doing much, much better, I'm happier with my job, I've accepted that I'm the only one in charge of my attitude, and I can step back and look at the beauty in the situation (not to mention the sheer volume of adorable!)

One boy actually took the time to come back to my desk and introduce himself to me, which I thought was cute. :)

What a wonderful change of mind I've had since then. I'm so grateful.

in defense of The Couch

I read a fantastic post over at Positively Present that just floored me this morning. The author describes her experiences with therapy and the wonderful ways that it has changed her life for the better. 10 reasons to sit on the couch

It really touched me because I have personal experience with therapy. A number of years ago, I was going through an extremely difficult situation in my life, and I felt like I was completely falling apart. I knew that therapy would be a good idea, but I think I had the same fear that most people have: what if they tell me I'm nuts? I put it off and put it off, but finally I just broke down and went. And I've never regretted it, not once. Talking to the therapist was like talking to my mother - so comforting, and I was able to get the right advice at the right time. I was also able to talk freely about the things that I keep hidden from the world, and finally deal with them in a constructive way. It helped me bring light into my life. And after a while, I felt whole enough that I didn't need it anymore. Mission accomplished.

Recently, I've started going back - nothing so dramatic this time, just a few kinks in my life that need sorting out. However, this time I'm going a different route, one that I don't think gets nearly enough attention: counseling by grad students. Quite a few universities offer counseling services to students, or even to the general public, through their graduate program - a grad student who's on their way to a degree needs to log a certain amount of real-world experience, and this allows them to get those hours while you're getting the help that you need. And there's not much question of quality (at least in my mind), because the session is observed by a panel of people who are grading said grad student on their performance. In my case, the panel is behind a one-way mirror, so I tend to just forget they are even there. My counselor is great, connects with me very well, and is very good at exposing the things that I have a tendency to miss.

So in summary: therapy may be a daunting prospect, but don't let that deter you - there are a ton of options out there, and it will never do anything but help you. That's what your therapist is there for.

squee! <3

I bought a laptop. <3

Isn't it gorgeous? I can't wait to get it in my hot little hands.

I knew I would need one for college, and I got a great deal at the HP website that I just couldn't pass up - $200 instant rebate, free upgrades, AND college students get a 10% discount! (Google "HP APP" to check it out.)

Once I get it and transfer all my data over from my desktop, I'm going to be selling it - if you or anyone you know needs a good gaming computer, e-mail me! I'm willing to cut a deal. ;)

sunny days and fond memories

Sunday was a beautiful day. Finally the sun has emerged - it got up to 95 degrees! We had a somewhat impromptu barbecue at our house with family and friends. The food and the company were wonderful. We all jumped into the pool and generally had a fantastic time.

In the middle of all the excitement, I was sitting poolside, watching my family. My boyfriend was horsing around in the water with my nephew, and my niece was at the edge of the pool with a camera, trying to capture the hilarity. My first instinct was, "I wish I had a camera too, so I could immortalize these precious memories - then I wouldn't have to worry about forgetting them in a few years." I felt a twinge of sadness thinking about life's little moments being lost as time flows on and our minds disremember the small, beautiful things that we experience.

A few moments later, however, I realized something else - in the long run, it doesn't matter whether or not we remember these things, as long as we enjoyed them to the fullest as they happen. This was an especially poignant revelation for me, I felt... I have a rather terrible memory, and I tend to stress that I am going to forget something important when it's needed most. And so on that day I gave a mental sigh of relief and simply cherished the moments unfolding before me.

on being a 'mess of contradictions'

"you're a mess of contradictions. how very beautiful."

When I first read Danielle LaPorte's post about being honest and accepting of your contradictions, I thought it was fascinating, but I didn't really feel that it applied to my own life. However, in the last few weeks, I've discovered a few things about myself (quite by accident!) that really brought the idea to light for me.

I enjoy being a rebel. Whether it's procrastinating, flirting with men (who aren't my boyfriend), or speeding on the freeway, I take pleasure in resisting authority. If you tell me I can't or shouldn't do something, my first reaction is to find some way to do it anyway. I know it's not necessarily a good thing, but I think it can be extremely beneficial if used in a constructive manner.

I want to get in touch with the universe. Whether it be Mother Nature, Zen, or simply the person hiding deep inside me, I yearn to open my mind to something deeper than the superficial world around me (not necessarily an organized religion). I practice yoga, wish I was brave enough to wear organic clothing and recycled accessories and go vegan.

I'm a recovering tomboy. For most of my life, I got along so much better with the boys my age than with any girl, and it's certainly taken its toll - I've got just enough fashion sense to get by, but not enough to shine. I don't know all the tips and tricks that it takes to be a woman (at least the way that I imagine). I play video games instead of cook, I love movies with special effects and explosions better than romantic comedies, and I crave gadgets of every kind.

I yearn to be heard but I'm afraid of being ignored. I feel the need to blog/tweet/update/etc about things that I find interesting, things I've been thinking, things I think the world should know. I created my own photography website but took it down thinking that no one would look at it anyway. I long to speak up in social situations but I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and becoming a walking faux pas, so I keep my mouth shut. (Luckily, at the start of this blog, I realized that it doesn't matter!)

Thank goodness for people like Danielle who can see the things that everyone else misses, and bring the concept into such clarity for the rest of us. I highly recommend checking out her website: White Hot Truth: because self-realization rocks.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman

back to school (the long version)

My big plan for the near future is to quit my job in August and start attending college again full-time. This is a somewhat daunting concept, but I know that it's going to be a good move - partly because every time I think about it, I get so excited I can feel my heart racing. That's definitely a good sign!

It's interesting to think about what caused this change of heart. For three years I've been a happy government employee, comforted by my job security in a turbulent economy. I have wonderful co-workers, great management, and a very pleasant salary. I thought it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

In January, I went to visit my best friend and her fiancee at their new house. I hadn't seen her for probably at least a year at that point, and spending a weekend at their home was an eye-opening experience in more than one way. My heart and my mind were unusually open to the possibility of a big change that would help me turn my life around. At the time, my boyfriend and I were at an extremely rocky place in our relationship, and Emily's easy way with her fiancee made me feel like my own relationship was the world's most difficult jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing. And as they talked about their experiences attending a UC (University of California), I realized that I had completely missed something in my life that should have been a big deal: college.

I've taken a few classes here and there, but never with any real sense of purpose or direction. I didn't know what I wanted to do, or what I was good at, so I didn't really do much of anything. I had a brief love affair with photography, but I've come to realize that I don't hold out much hope of turning it into a full-time career. So I floundered.

However, after hearing from a lawyer and a child psychologist about how their lives have benefited from their extended education, it hit me like a bolt from the blue: I wanted to go back to school. But what would I study? If I have an innate skill at anything, I'm not aware of it. But I've always really enjoyed working with computers, and unlike photography which takes an insane amount of creativity to be great, working with computers (at least in a generic sense) just takes knowledge and skill, both of which I can easily acquire. So I've decided to get a four-year degree in either Computer Science or Engineering. Perhaps I'll stay longer and get a Masters degree, perhaps somewhere down the line I'll change direction, but I want to get started on living my dream of a higher education.

To that end, my boyfriend and I moved out of our apartment and moved in with my parents, to save as much money as possible while we still have the means. I'll continue at my current job until the Fall semester starts, then work at getting a part-time job to cover expenses during my adventure.

I'm so excited about the thought of school that I want to start now. I've found myself getting impatient, and feeling bored at my current job which was so pleasing to me previously. But I'm still here, and I'm going to do the best that I can while I wait for the day that I can say, "Wish me luck - I'm off to make my dreams come true!"

on simplifying my life

Lately I have discovered that my life is full of unnecessary things -- things that take time away from my priorities, things that are a waste of time, and things that give me absolutely nothing whatsoever in return for my attention. I'm in the process of eliminating these things to simplify my life and free up some time.

Instant messaging: I was using AIM, Yahoo, and MSN messengers on a daily basis. I wanted to be able to talk to the people I care about, but what I discovered was I was waiting for people to sign on, when I could have used that time in a more productive way. So I went through my entire contact list, and discovered that out of all the people I genuinely wanted to talk to, 99% of them were already on either my MySpace or Facebook friends list. I could send them a quick message whenever I wanted to talk to them. And heaven knows I could send a text message or two instead.

World of Warcraft: I'm actually paying Blizzard $15 a month to waste my own time and stunt my social skills, when I could be, oh, I don't know... outside.

Twitter: My life isn't so exciting that everyone needs to know what I'm doing every 5 minutes. 'Nuff said.

I've also been reading a number of blogs about simplifying life and making myself genuinely happier. Here's a list of my favorites - they're inspiring.

Positively Present - http://positivelypresent.typepad.com/
Raptitude - http://www.raptitude.com/
Zen Habits - http://zenhabits.net/

Picnic Day at UC Davis

So yesterday was UC Davis Picnic Day. I was so excited! I hadn't been to one in years, and it was just as much fun as I remembered. We got there early and saw the Chemistry Magic Show, which was probably the highlight of my day. Explosions are always fun. The Physics Show wasn't as great, but it had its moments (mostly contained within its accidents). There was ice cream made with liquid nitrogen (yum!), a dachshund dog race which I wish I had made it to, and fantastic food everywhere. We got to meet up with my best friend and her posse (hey, SOMEBODY had to pull off the short-shorts and cowboy boots, and it sure as heck was not going to be me!) and we went out for sushi on the way home. All in all, a fantastic day.

If you're interested in learning about UC Davis Picnic Day, check out their website: http://picnicday.ucdavis.edu/