melancholy musings

Every so often I start to feel like I'm simply bumbling through my life, succeeding or failing at things simply by chance, lucky enough to have some wonderful people and experiences, and selfish or idiotic enough to have messed up a number of things I shouldn't have.

I just turned twenty-five. I guess I always used to think that at this point in my life, I would have a college degree, a house of my own, a husband or fiancee, and the possibility of a family in the near future. What an idyllic life that would be.

Unfortunately, like most teenagers (and twenty-somethings, too), I botched it. Not permanently, as I have the opportunity to pick some things up where they were left, but enough to throw my dream out of alignment.

I wish I had gone to college full-time immediately after high school, and stuck with it for at least the customary four years. Sure, experience is always good when looking for a job, and you don't get that at college - but I would have had such a good springboard into the rest of my life. I wouldn't have jumped back and forth between mediocre retail jobs for years, making a mediocre income. I can't help but feel that if I had received a degree earlier on, I'd be living the life I wish I had. I've decided to quit my "secure" (ha-ha) government job to go back to school full-time to finally achieve that goal, and for that I am proud of myself. But I can't help wishing I'd done it when the time was right.

I wish I had made better choices. After getting out of high school, I made a lot of bad decisions and hung out with some questionable people. Sure, some of those people were fun, but they weren't exactly the type to inspire me to great things. I did make the hard choice to stop living the life I was, but I will live with the memory of those years for the rest of my life.

I wish I had treated myself better, physically and emotionally. If I had - and if I had really believed in myself enough - I'd be in a much better place in my own head, heart, and body. If I could honestly make myself believe that I am a beautiful, loveable, wonderful person, I wouldn't have such a laundry list of awful relationships, huge mistakes, and self-esteem issues, and I would already be the person I dream of becoming. All I can do now is try my best to be that person in spite of all my problems.

I wish I had been better at keeping my friendships strong. I have a bad tendency to let wonderful people slip through my fingers for various reasons, and so I've lost touch or lost that connection with some of the people who are important to me. It's truly heartbreaking when you find out, too, that you'd been replaced, years ago, and you never even knew it. Sometimes you can try to rekindle that friendship, but for many of these people, once you come clean with your own failures in the relationship, they decide that they don't want to talk to you anymore. That hurts too, but after all, you dropped the ball first.

I wish I had been absolutely truthful, every moment of every day of my life. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts, and sometimes it will drive people away - but isn't that so much better of a reason than the fact that they found out about what you were hiding, and that you lied to them about it? Lying isn't fair to anybody, and it only hurts everyone involved unnecessarily. Some people will forgive you. Some won't.

What I wouldn't give to be able to go back and do it all over. I'd have figured out what I was passionate about and earned a degree in that field. I'd have dumped that selfish idiot and saved myself a lot of heartache. I'd be a healthier, saner, stronger person. I'd have shown those wonderful people exactly how much they meant to me.

Well, if wishes were fishes, I'd be eating sushi at every meal. (Wouldn't that be nice.)

All I can do now is put my whole heart into loving the wonderful people I have in my life, achieving the things I've always wanted to, and striving to be the person I've always wanted to be.

I'm trying. I hope it's enough.