my personality type - INTP

Recently one of my friends mentioned taking the Meyers-Briggs test on personality types. I've always been interested in psychology, and I thought it might be interesting to find out what my personality type is. I'm an Introverted Intuition Thinking Perceiving (INTP).

INTP - The "Engineer"

INTPs are logical, individualistic, reserved, and very curious individuals. They focus on ideas, theories and the explanation of how things work. They are especially adept at discussions and debate. They have the ability to focus intently on a subject. They appreciate and respect intelligence in others.

Apparently only 1% of the female population are INTPs... I feel special and obscurely segregated. (heh.) But lucky me - Albert Einstein was an INTP too!

The test I took was amazingly accurate - I was even able to use their descriptions of the different types to pin down my mom's personality before she even took the test herself. Check it out here: MyPersonality.info

Try it out! You might be surprised at the results, or even learn something new about yourself. :)

an excerpt and an inspiration

What frightens you?
What makes the hair on your arms rise, your palms sweat, the breath catch in your chest like a wild thing caged?
Is it the dark? A fleeting memory of a bedtime story, ghosts and goblins and witches hiding in the shadows? Is it the way the wind picks up just before a storm, the hint of wet in the air that makes you want to scurry home to the safety of your fire?
Or is it something deeper, something much more frightening, a monster deep inside that you've glimpsed only in pieces, the vast unknown of your own soul where secrets gather with a terrible power, the dark inside?
If you will listen, I will tell you a story -- one whose ghosts cannot be banished by the comfort of a roaring fire. I will tell you the story of how we found ourselves in a realm where dreams are formed, destiny is chosen, and magic is as real as your handprint in snow. I will tell you how we unlocked the Pandora's box of ourselves, tasted freedom, stained our souls with blood and choice, and unleashed a horror on the world that destroyed its dearest Order. These pages are a confession of all that has led to this cold, gray dawn. What will be now, I cannot say.
Is your heart beating faster?
Do the clouds seem to be gathering on the horizon?
Does the skin on your neck feel stretched tight, waiting for a kiss you both fear and need?
Will you be scared?
Will you know the truth?

Mary Dowd, April 7, 1871

(Excerpt from A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray)

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Today's favorite articles:

White Hot Truth -- What Would Love Do?
Serene Journey -- Life Sucks and Then You Choose
Raptitude -- How to Always Have Something Better to Talk About Than the Weather
Marc and Angel Hack Life -- What Money Can't Buy
Positively Present -- Solitary and Social: 10 Reasons to be Both

Grandma's birthday and being out in the sun

My Grandma is one of the nicest people in the world, and we celebrated her birthday at El Novillero last night. It was great - we had 14 people and a banquet room all to ourselves, the food was delicious, and my Aunt Carol baked a cake in the shape of a gigantic cupcake. :D All in all, a quality family get-together. Good times.

I also thank goodness for sunny weekends - Saturday and Sunday, Matt and I were able to run errands during the day in beautiful weather. We got my bicycle pedal fixed so I can finally attempt to face my fears (again) and teach myself how to ride. I bought a Mother's Day present for my wonderful Mom, we checked out rollerblades for Matt, and picked up some Boba tea (yummy!)

I'm in a calm and happy mood, and loving it. <3

"bring your child to work" day

Today's "Bring Your Child to Work" Day in my office! How wonderful! Hearing the little voices and seeing the big group of children on their tour really lifted my heart.

It made me think of this day last year. A year ago, I wasn't doing so great... Boyfriend and I were in the middle of a really difficult situation, I was having a terrible time in my new office, and I was generally in kind of a bad mood. When "Bring Your Child to Work" Day came around, it was an annoyance - the presence and noise of the kids were distracting and, I thought, inappropriate for the workplace. I turned on my iPod and tried my best to drown it all out.

Since then, I've come a long way - Boyfriend and I are doing much, much better, I'm happier with my job, I've accepted that I'm the only one in charge of my attitude, and I can step back and look at the beauty in the situation (not to mention the sheer volume of adorable!)

One boy actually took the time to come back to my desk and introduce himself to me, which I thought was cute. :)

What a wonderful change of mind I've had since then. I'm so grateful.

in defense of The Couch

I read a fantastic post over at Positively Present that just floored me this morning. The author describes her experiences with therapy and the wonderful ways that it has changed her life for the better. 10 reasons to sit on the couch

It really touched me because I have personal experience with therapy. A number of years ago, I was going through an extremely difficult situation in my life, and I felt like I was completely falling apart. I knew that therapy would be a good idea, but I think I had the same fear that most people have: what if they tell me I'm nuts? I put it off and put it off, but finally I just broke down and went. And I've never regretted it, not once. Talking to the therapist was like talking to my mother - so comforting, and I was able to get the right advice at the right time. I was also able to talk freely about the things that I keep hidden from the world, and finally deal with them in a constructive way. It helped me bring light into my life. And after a while, I felt whole enough that I didn't need it anymore. Mission accomplished.

Recently, I've started going back - nothing so dramatic this time, just a few kinks in my life that need sorting out. However, this time I'm going a different route, one that I don't think gets nearly enough attention: counseling by grad students. Quite a few universities offer counseling services to students, or even to the general public, through their graduate program - a grad student who's on their way to a degree needs to log a certain amount of real-world experience, and this allows them to get those hours while you're getting the help that you need. And there's not much question of quality (at least in my mind), because the session is observed by a panel of people who are grading said grad student on their performance. In my case, the panel is behind a one-way mirror, so I tend to just forget they are even there. My counselor is great, connects with me very well, and is very good at exposing the things that I have a tendency to miss.

So in summary: therapy may be a daunting prospect, but don't let that deter you - there are a ton of options out there, and it will never do anything but help you. That's what your therapist is there for.

squee! <3

I bought a laptop. <3

Isn't it gorgeous? I can't wait to get it in my hot little hands.

I knew I would need one for college, and I got a great deal at the HP website that I just couldn't pass up - $200 instant rebate, free upgrades, AND college students get a 10% discount! (Google "HP APP" to check it out.)

Once I get it and transfer all my data over from my desktop, I'm going to be selling it - if you or anyone you know needs a good gaming computer, e-mail me! I'm willing to cut a deal. ;)

sunny days and fond memories

Sunday was a beautiful day. Finally the sun has emerged - it got up to 95 degrees! We had a somewhat impromptu barbecue at our house with family and friends. The food and the company were wonderful. We all jumped into the pool and generally had a fantastic time.

In the middle of all the excitement, I was sitting poolside, watching my family. My boyfriend was horsing around in the water with my nephew, and my niece was at the edge of the pool with a camera, trying to capture the hilarity. My first instinct was, "I wish I had a camera too, so I could immortalize these precious memories - then I wouldn't have to worry about forgetting them in a few years." I felt a twinge of sadness thinking about life's little moments being lost as time flows on and our minds disremember the small, beautiful things that we experience.

A few moments later, however, I realized something else - in the long run, it doesn't matter whether or not we remember these things, as long as we enjoyed them to the fullest as they happen. This was an especially poignant revelation for me, I felt... I have a rather terrible memory, and I tend to stress that I am going to forget something important when it's needed most. And so on that day I gave a mental sigh of relief and simply cherished the moments unfolding before me.

on being a 'mess of contradictions'

"you're a mess of contradictions. how very beautiful."

When I first read Danielle LaPorte's post about being honest and accepting of your contradictions, I thought it was fascinating, but I didn't really feel that it applied to my own life. However, in the last few weeks, I've discovered a few things about myself (quite by accident!) that really brought the idea to light for me.

I enjoy being a rebel. Whether it's procrastinating, flirting with men (who aren't my boyfriend), or speeding on the freeway, I take pleasure in resisting authority. If you tell me I can't or shouldn't do something, my first reaction is to find some way to do it anyway. I know it's not necessarily a good thing, but I think it can be extremely beneficial if used in a constructive manner.

I want to get in touch with the universe. Whether it be Mother Nature, Zen, or simply the person hiding deep inside me, I yearn to open my mind to something deeper than the superficial world around me (not necessarily an organized religion). I practice yoga, wish I was brave enough to wear organic clothing and recycled accessories and go vegan.

I'm a recovering tomboy. For most of my life, I got along so much better with the boys my age than with any girl, and it's certainly taken its toll - I've got just enough fashion sense to get by, but not enough to shine. I don't know all the tips and tricks that it takes to be a woman (at least the way that I imagine). I play video games instead of cook, I love movies with special effects and explosions better than romantic comedies, and I crave gadgets of every kind.

I yearn to be heard but I'm afraid of being ignored. I feel the need to blog/tweet/update/etc about things that I find interesting, things I've been thinking, things I think the world should know. I created my own photography website but took it down thinking that no one would look at it anyway. I long to speak up in social situations but I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and becoming a walking faux pas, so I keep my mouth shut. (Luckily, at the start of this blog, I realized that it doesn't matter!)

Thank goodness for people like Danielle who can see the things that everyone else misses, and bring the concept into such clarity for the rest of us. I highly recommend checking out her website: White Hot Truth: because self-realization rocks.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman

back to school (the long version)

My big plan for the near future is to quit my job in August and start attending college again full-time. This is a somewhat daunting concept, but I know that it's going to be a good move - partly because every time I think about it, I get so excited I can feel my heart racing. That's definitely a good sign!

It's interesting to think about what caused this change of heart. For three years I've been a happy government employee, comforted by my job security in a turbulent economy. I have wonderful co-workers, great management, and a very pleasant salary. I thought it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

In January, I went to visit my best friend and her fiancee at their new house. I hadn't seen her for probably at least a year at that point, and spending a weekend at their home was an eye-opening experience in more than one way. My heart and my mind were unusually open to the possibility of a big change that would help me turn my life around. At the time, my boyfriend and I were at an extremely rocky place in our relationship, and Emily's easy way with her fiancee made me feel like my own relationship was the world's most difficult jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing. And as they talked about their experiences attending a UC (University of California), I realized that I had completely missed something in my life that should have been a big deal: college.

I've taken a few classes here and there, but never with any real sense of purpose or direction. I didn't know what I wanted to do, or what I was good at, so I didn't really do much of anything. I had a brief love affair with photography, but I've come to realize that I don't hold out much hope of turning it into a full-time career. So I floundered.

However, after hearing from a lawyer and a child psychologist about how their lives have benefited from their extended education, it hit me like a bolt from the blue: I wanted to go back to school. But what would I study? If I have an innate skill at anything, I'm not aware of it. But I've always really enjoyed working with computers, and unlike photography which takes an insane amount of creativity to be great, working with computers (at least in a generic sense) just takes knowledge and skill, both of which I can easily acquire. So I've decided to get a four-year degree in either Computer Science or Engineering. Perhaps I'll stay longer and get a Masters degree, perhaps somewhere down the line I'll change direction, but I want to get started on living my dream of a higher education.

To that end, my boyfriend and I moved out of our apartment and moved in with my parents, to save as much money as possible while we still have the means. I'll continue at my current job until the Fall semester starts, then work at getting a part-time job to cover expenses during my adventure.

I'm so excited about the thought of school that I want to start now. I've found myself getting impatient, and feeling bored at my current job which was so pleasing to me previously. But I'm still here, and I'm going to do the best that I can while I wait for the day that I can say, "Wish me luck - I'm off to make my dreams come true!"

on simplifying my life

Lately I have discovered that my life is full of unnecessary things -- things that take time away from my priorities, things that are a waste of time, and things that give me absolutely nothing whatsoever in return for my attention. I'm in the process of eliminating these things to simplify my life and free up some time.

Instant messaging: I was using AIM, Yahoo, and MSN messengers on a daily basis. I wanted to be able to talk to the people I care about, but what I discovered was I was waiting for people to sign on, when I could have used that time in a more productive way. So I went through my entire contact list, and discovered that out of all the people I genuinely wanted to talk to, 99% of them were already on either my MySpace or Facebook friends list. I could send them a quick message whenever I wanted to talk to them. And heaven knows I could send a text message or two instead.

World of Warcraft: I'm actually paying Blizzard $15 a month to waste my own time and stunt my social skills, when I could be, oh, I don't know... outside.

Twitter: My life isn't so exciting that everyone needs to know what I'm doing every 5 minutes. 'Nuff said.

I've also been reading a number of blogs about simplifying life and making myself genuinely happier. Here's a list of my favorites - they're inspiring.

Positively Present - http://positivelypresent.typepad.com/
Raptitude - http://www.raptitude.com/
Zen Habits - http://zenhabits.net/

Picnic Day at UC Davis

So yesterday was UC Davis Picnic Day. I was so excited! I hadn't been to one in years, and it was just as much fun as I remembered. We got there early and saw the Chemistry Magic Show, which was probably the highlight of my day. Explosions are always fun. The Physics Show wasn't as great, but it had its moments (mostly contained within its accidents). There was ice cream made with liquid nitrogen (yum!), a dachshund dog race which I wish I had made it to, and fantastic food everywhere. We got to meet up with my best friend and her posse (hey, SOMEBODY had to pull off the short-shorts and cowboy boots, and it sure as heck was not going to be me!) and we went out for sushi on the way home. All in all, a fantastic day.

If you're interested in learning about UC Davis Picnic Day, check out their website: http://picnicday.ucdavis.edu/